No wedding, NO womb!
A brilliant movement started by Christelyn D. Karazin
Visit Beyond Black and White, for thoughtful, funny and down-to-earth talk
Why am I supporting this blog around the world? Because although I was married when my children were planned and conceived, I ended up a single mother anyway. Now some would say, well what’s the point of getting married if you’re going to end up raising your children on your own anyway? Marriage isn’t my point, not really. Children are my point.
Children need both sexes to thrive. And not just both sexes, but well-rounded parents. In my case, after our divorce the ex-husband was perfectly happy to walk away from our children. I had to find surrogate dads – luckily I had single and married friends who didn’t mind taking my son golfing, to play ball, do Boy Scouts, go snowboarding, camping, etc. Friends came to graduations for both my kids when the sperm donor wouldn’t show up. They came to plays and dances, football and volleyball games. In short, regardless of how strong I am or how educated, I couldn’t do it alone. Period.
While women are full of love and natural nurturers, if we were all that was needed to have and raise a child, then there would be no need for sperm. God knew what he was doing when he made men and women to need and complete each other. Can you be happy single? Absolutely. But planning to be single typically means there is no plan for children.
Why do children need their fathers? First, I can’t teach my son to be a man. Why not? Because I’ve never been a man, I have no idea what it means to be one and to be honest, I have no desire to be a guy. Second, my daughter needs to understand what a good relationship with a man looks like so she can tell the difference in her own relationships.
Black male-to-female relationships are at the heart of this issue. Our teen girls are told through the media that they’re supposed to go to a club as skanky as they wanna be with no consequences. Meanwhile, the young men are supposed to rope in as many women as he can while not being committed to any of them.
But when it comes to the real consequences of lax sexual attitudes, the result is 48% of black women have herpes, and more than half have babies out of wedlock. Those are sobering statistics which lead to even worse stats in store for our children.
Why do we put more planning into our next vacation than we do into planning our families? And why are we willing to accept less than what we want when it comes to ‘the ring’? The answer- because black women are fed the “you’re not worthy of a good guy” crap from a young age. It’s rare that black girls, in general, are made to feel special.
When I was growing up, in school there were the ‘special girls’ and the rest of us were worth almost nothing. We were lucky if guys were interested in us at all. We were expected to settle for being skeezers and taking whatever we could get. The ‘special girls’ had lighter skin than me and they were perceived to follow the standard of beauty set forth by society or MTV while girls like me didn’t fit that standard.
I was called black dog, pitbull, ugly, big nosed, nappy head, etc. And when people learned that I was a book worm, got good grades in school, and graduated early then I was told I was trying to be white. And none of that came from outside of the black community. It all came from so called family and friends.
Now how the hell was I supposed to grow up as a well-rounded woman able to make good choices and understand my worth when my own community was setting me up to fail? It’s a good question, isn’t it? There’s a lot to be said for constant subliminal bombardment, both inside and outside of the black society.
When a person’s color is the topic of conversation rather than their accomplishments, then that tells us a lot.
Gabourey Sidibe (pronounced Gah-boo-ree Si-deeb) the gorgeous star of the movie ‘Precious’ made the Elle magazine for October 2010. They made 4 different covers to celebrate this actress, yet there is controversy behind the magazine’s photos. Why? Because anyone who saw Precious knows that Miss Sidibe has very dark, beautiful smooth skin and dark hair, yet the photos show both a few shades lighter than her natural tones (see photo here). But why the need to make her look more ‘acceptable’ as if who she is isn’t good enough?
What the hell?
So back around to the dating thing – Don’t buy into the stereotype. That goes for black men AND women.
Currently there are horrifying statistics regarding our young black men. New York Times columnist, Bob Herbert said, “The Schott Foundation for Public Education tells us in a new report that the on-time high school graduation rate for black males in 2008 was an abysmal 47 percent, and even worse in several major urban areas — for example, 28 percent in New York City.” Read entire article here.
Black homes account for $850 billion of revenue via spending, per year. Yes, you are worth something. You are more influential than you think. See past the bullshit and learn to respect yourself. Respect for yourself is not putting others down or lashing out at someone else. Respect for yourself is learning who and what you are, the blessings you are entitled to (without the ‘tude) and being grateful.
There’s a big difference between ego and self-esteem.
In the end when it comes to children, it’s not about your ability to be a good mom. It’s not about who you are as a woman. It’s about what’s best for the children that we bring here. It’s about knowing how to provide a emotionally, psychologically and financially whole home where they can learn to appreciate the differences that men and women bring to the table, and where they can learn to be the best they can be.
Women, don’t feel pressured to give up your ring. If you want to be married with children, don’t let anyone, including your man, pressure you into squeezing the watermelon out of your va-jayjay before he says I DO.
Am I saying that you should make ridiculous demands on your man? Uh, no. Am I saying that we should have our nose in the air and treat men like they have to lick our shoes just to be worthy of being in our company? Nope. But don’t take it to the other extreme either, where we feel that we have to bring another life into this world in order to be worthy of a commitment.
(See this quick chart of statistics from the Centers for Disease Control on birth trends)